When You’re Not Ready

Against my better judgment,  I tweeted about the divorce of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries earlier today. I’m hoping that you as my reader don’t know who they are, so here’s the gist: 17 million dollar, reality-star, Hollywood wedding ends in 72 days.

Why “against my better judgment”? because, for the most part, these Hollywood marriages don’t pan out well and often make a mockery of God’s most cherished human “institution” – the husband and the wife. And because of this, I can become cynical and facetious about it – which happened, of course. Here’s what I tweeted:

Kim’s last name gave it away: Kardashian. No marriage is safe when a spouse has “Kar”, “dash”, & a big “I” in their last name

I thought it was cleverly funny, but I may have been wrong. (Happens often.) As indicated by my twitter follower’s (@Sego1gpkeen response, Ms. Kim “didn’t choose her surname”. She’s right (and thank you), but I do see something here:

(Let me apologize ahead of time to those who may dislike my allegory and the use of “Kardashian” to bring out my proceeding points. I am aware that it’s unfair especially that there are other Kardashians who are doing well in their marriage thus far; but please, please humor me for just this time.)

3 reasons you can know you or someone you know is not ready for marriage.

1. You have an escape plan.
If you have a “KAR” or car that is waiting for you when you’ve had enough (in this case 72 days), this is a strong indication of your lack of commitment to your marriage. An escape plan gives one a license to retreat, surrender, or forfeit. Your marriage does not have the chance of surviving when the challenges and struggles begin to occur (which it inevitably does), if you have an escape plan.

In order for marriage to work there must be a Napoleonic approach to it: burn the ships down so that there is no way out.

2. You find reasons to leave rather than stay.
(This point ties in with point number 1.) If you are looking to “DASH” on your marriage or find fault or reason to leave, guess what? you’ll find it. With so many differences between two different people from: gender, age, ethnicity, culture, tastes, attitudes, habits, hobbies, choice of where to live or what to eat – you name it; there are multiplicity of reasons to be at odds with each other. And there is no shortage in reasons to be apart. Marriage is challenging. Ease, comfort, and enjoyment does not happen accidentally in marriage. It takes time, intention and a made up mind. A made up mind can hardly be swayed.

In order for a marriage to work, your reasons to stay must outweigh your reasons to leave.  And your vows should be reason enough.

3. You have an un-checked ego.
A big “I” in marriage will not work! If you’re in it for selfish reasons and not for your love for another, then it’s all wrong. As much as people would like us to believe that hate is the opposite of love, I believe in marriage selfishness is. Selfishness eats up what love gives up. Sacrifice, expressed by self denial, is foundational for a healthy marriage: your comfort for the other’s and your burden for their ease.

In order for a marriage to work, you must check, more so, chuck, that is, get rid of your ego before you get to the altar. Because, as @TWH_PhD said, “Marriage involves SACRIFICE – that’s why the ceremony is performed at the ALTAR.” 

All jokes aside, you don’t need an elaborate wedding to have a magnificent marriage. What has happened to Ms. Kim and Mr. Kevin is unfortunate, though not shocking, but was preventable. A proper approach to marriage can lead anyone into happily, daily after.

For a well written and “on the money” blog on Ms. Kim and Mr. Kevin’s now infamous divorce – with tremendous insights on how to have a healthy marriage, read “A Hollywood Ending” by @TWH_PhD.

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4 thoughts on “When You’re Not Ready

  1. It’s funny…I’ve always been the type of person with an escape plan, an ego the size of a continent and always had reasons to leave than to stay, or found negativity in things. & then I fell in love…I’ve been engaged for some time now…and obviously no one’s perfect and we’re not either. We’re just two people in love..he says and does things that really get to me sometimes and we’ve been through a hard time with our families lately and there are times that we fight a lot, but I’m the type of person that agrees to disagree and he’s not. Believe me, I have 100 reasons to leave and perhaps just a couple for why I want in. But that’s just it, I want in…and once you make that decision you dont let anything get in the way of it. You work through your differences.

    When leaving isn’t an option to you, you have to put your ego aside and learn to compromise. I know I have.

    I was rambling, wasn’t I? haha.

    • “When leaving isn’t an option to you, you have to put your ego aside and learn to compromise.” I couldn’t have said that better myself. (In fact, you should tweet it. If you don’t mind, I’d like to.)

      Well, you’re in a great place going towards a better place. How is that possible? You’re a young, single person (a great place) looking to get married (a better place)! The key thing is to go from great to better and not from great to bad.

      Marriage magnifies the difficulties of adating relationship. If you and your fiance can’t see eye to eye and “fight a lot”, it will be magnified many folds when you get married. Even the strongest pre-marital relationship find some hard patches because of disagreements and differences once married. One of the tools of seeing if your marriage will last past the arguments while you’re single is to ask yourself the question, “Can I take these disagreements times 10?” Marriage often reveal what people mask prior to getting married.

      “I want in…and once you make that decision you dont let anything get in the way of it. You work through your differences.” You really sound ready for marriage, but remember that both of you need to “want in”! When speaking to your marriage counselor, make sure you find out if your fiance is fully “in”.

      (I have very high demands on men in relationships. My thoughts on men in marriage is that we pursue our wives not vice versa. To me, a woman is in a bad place if she wants more from a relationship than a man does. My advice to you is to wait until he wants to be married more than you do. At that point, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.)

      • Thanks and that’s a wonderful idea. You may tweet it as well, give me a shout out: @rukhz ! Trust me I’ve had very high demands as well, and to be utterly honest right now this relationship isn’t what I wanted at one point in my life..a few years ago, I walked away from it and promised to never look back. He’s been persistent though, and he’s always, always wanted this more than I have. I always thought the one to care less is the one that has the advantage over the relationship, essentially the one with the power. But that’s not what I want my relationship to be about..I don’t want to be the one calling the shots and him holding on for dear life becomes he loves me too much to leave. You know what I mean? I’ve changed a lot in the past year and a half, it’s for the best I suppose. I’m looking forward to great things! I couldn’t agree more with the fact that marriage does in fact magnify things in a relationship..I’m confident we’ll work through it though, been through too much to let it fail now.

      • I tweeted it with a s/o! :-).

        I got what you’re saying. If you haven’t yet, I would really encourage premarital counseling just to give you guys some perspective from someone looking from the outside. The heart is very deceitful and marriage is a lifetime commitment (when you don’t have an “escape plan”) – sometimes the heart will give you really good feelings now which may schew your view of the future. A marriage counselor will help you, both, assess your relationship without the complications of an involved heart. :-).

        I also would advice on getting Dr. Gary Chapman’s book: “The Five Love Languages” which will teach you both how to understand each other’s love communication.

        I also would recommend watching Mark Gungor’s Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” (you can search him on you tube.) My wife and I love, love his stuff. He’s an hilarious marriage guru that says it straight and very funny.

        (I’ve added links for your convience. I hope you don’t mind.)

        The Bible, along with the above 2, help Jennifer and I pursue the marriage that, as of now, is satisfying both me and her. Best wishes to you both!

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