Divinely speaking, sex is a privileged act of intimacy only engaged in within the bounds of marriage. This sacred act though, having been used and abused by folks outside of marriage, has become a common activity that its substance and significance has become mired. But sex is the human expression of divine engagement. The Bible’s Songs of Solomon is a romantic poem between a husband and wife that is divinely written to reflect God’s holy intimacy with Israel (and latter His Church) – the Husband chasing His Bride with the Bride expecting ecstasy with/from Her Husband.
What does that mean? Because sex is the highest form of earthly communion between man and woman, in the bonds of marriage, for the propagation of humanity, with the delight of those engaging in it, and as a reflection of God’s desire of intimacy with His Bride – the Church; it should be a healthy and renewing part of our marriages.
Let’s speak of Sex:
1. Intimacy and sex are a result of our heart connection and mental decision not vice versa.
Single men and women who engage in sex often do so because they lust for momentary fulfillment brought on by the seduction of physical attraction. This shallow dose of “intimacy” become a source of bondage rather than joy because, for the most part, these emotional encounters are fleeting as they are based on appetites rather than a godly decision. (This type of intimacy without commitment leaves a man or woman wanting and longing for more; heartbroken because of its fruitlessness.) When married people engage in sex, it is in celebration of: a mental decision, a full consideration of heart to heart connection, a divine desire for intimacy, and the sacred satisfaction that comes from a physical connection.
2. The sex rate in your marriage is linked to your thoughts of divorce.
In this study (here) it is said that sexually active marriages reflect happy couples who are fulfilled in their union and are not readily thinking about divorce. Those who are experiencing less or no sex in their marriages are contemplating divorce or are on their way. Because sex is a “result of” rather than the “cause of” a healthy marriage, it is important that we are mindful of having a meaningful, loving marriage before sex. If your sex life is without passion, you and your spouse should look, not for a sex doctor (especially not any worldly or “alternative” type of sex), but a marriage counselor.
3. Your bedroom should have a figurative sign: “Lovers Only”.
If you have not yet, make sure you both designate your bedroom as a playground where you make love rather than a battleground where you make enemies. As much as it is in your power, pursue peace with your spouse within the four walls of your house specially and specifically in your bedroom. Your sex life should have no opponent. Keep your arguments and disagreement exclusively outside of your bedroom. Let your bedroom be a sanctuary. Agree together that once you enter the bedroom, it is for loving only.
4. Bring your A-Game.
Sex is only making love once you get married (before then it was wrong and just making noise), so remember what got you started loving. Courting your spouse outside of your bedroom is the game you both must continue (or learn) to play. Do you still “got game”? Some married couples lose their courting “game” that they once played so well when they were single. Your marriage needs your “A Game” if it is to continue to be fun and passionate. Because marriage is a lifetime commitment to the same man/woman, you and your spouse need to be creative and agressive with your “game” more than when you were single. Where you once used the same approach to different women/men as a single person, the same tired approach will grow old quickly in a marriage that’s supposed to last a lifetime; new advances to ignite passions are a must.
5. Even if you’re not having sex daily, you should be sexual daily.
There are many, many challenges to marriage; maintaining sexual intimacy with creativity is an essential one. Keeping your spouse engaged, loving and passionate concerning sex is a daily exercise. Even if you’re not having sex daily, you should be expressing your sexuality to your spouse daily. One way to do so is to learn the language of making love. Making love through your words can help make your body responsive when you’re both ready and willing. Flirting, both privately and publicly, will help keep the fire burning.
6. Make love to your spouse not your imaginations!
It is enough to say that the real is better than the fake. No one ever says, “Be fake” or “Get fake”. There are no “Fake-ality shows” or demands for a “fake deal”. But there are gross amounts of married people, both man and woman, that are addicted to fake sex, namely porn. In Mark Gungor‘s “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage“, he discusses the power of a marriage when spouses are addicted to each other as supposed to porn. Since Mark discusses it way better than I can, I truly suggest you get his four part DVD coaching on marriage and hear the affects of porn (he also discusses other marriage enhancing tools and tips in these videos in a funny, yet real way. Check out a clip of his video below.) Let’s just say this: your imagination (even if helped by your own hand), is outside of the plan of God for sex and will harm your marriage more than it helps.
Get a chance to WIN Mark’s DVD’s here.
Follow me on Twitter @SpeakOfMarriage as I discuss sex in marriage on Fridays. Join the conversation with the hashtag #FriskyFridays. It is our hope that married couples view sex as a divine principle rather than just an exercise of the physical. Once your marital sex life is alive, your marriage will not be just a dream about happily, ever after but rather a chase for each other happily, daily after.