Single people should not get married until their mind is already married (to their would be spouse – whether present or future.) In fact, it is my personal opinion that the most successful marriages are a result of single men and women who dated with marriage in mind. The Bible states that “… he that finds a wife finds a good thing”. This tells me that she was a wife before she became one. Below I outline some points to know if you or your spouse (or spouse to be) has a “single mind” or a “married mind”.
Let’s speak of the differences:
1. The single mind speak of now, the married mind speak of the future.
Single minded people (of all ages) think of the immediate outcome while those who are ready to get married (or enjoys the idea of marriage) make plans for what may come later. Married minded people dream, single minded people dread.
2. The single mind speak of what needs to be, the married mind speak of what can be.
Single minded people make demands. You can tell someone is not ready and should not get married when they ask for things that seems very difficult to achieve (or can only happen in years to come). On the other hand, married minded people create pictures of possibilitie: “Yes, we’re young; this is an opportunity for us to grow old together.” Single minded people conspire, married minded people conceive.
3. The single mind speak of “not enough”, the married mind speak of “more than enough.”
Single minded people find ways to not make things happen. They continue to look for “better” of somethings like a better looking woman or man, a higher paying job, a more amiable in laws, etc. They are “picky” beyond their own ability or resource. They have expectancies that are unexpressed and unsurpassed. If they are already married, their spouse can not do good enough; something’s always amiss. This type of thinking is always a source of frustration for their spouse. Their spouse try to be pleasing yet they are never satisfied. Married minded people, however, are more lenient and forgiving. Unlike single minded people, married minded people are easy to please: the perfect meal is not needed, the perfect house is not important, being right is not necessary. What’s important to the married mind is being with the one they love. Married minded people love, single minded people lust.
4. The single mind speak of the dangers of marriage, the married mind know the drudgery of being single.
Single minded people find reasons why it’s better to be single. In fact, if somehow these single minded people get married, they glory about their once single life and may blame their spouse for their life’s “miseries”. They find reasons why they need to spend more time with their friends rather than their spouse, why they are hardly home, and other immature reasons why they cannot be with their spouse. Conversely, married minded people enjoy the very notion of being with someone day in and day out. They love being seen with their spouse (or the idea of being seen with a spouse if not yet married.) They have great contentment and satisfaction while working daily to make his/her marriage the best experience possible for their spouse. While single minded people (married or not) speak of escape aids, married minded people speak of escapades!
If you’re dealing with a spouse who appears to still have a “single mind”, give them the grace to grow and acclimate to their “new” responsibilities. Since you were convinced that they were ready (although they most likely showed signs that they were not), it is up to you to be patient. Pray that God would intervene. And find the least obvious way to have them read the above list. :-). What you shouldn’t do is blame yourself or your spouse. (There’s no turning back now and the way a person thinks can only change over time.) What can you do? The Bible states that love is the greatest of all virtues – greater than hope and faith. Loving your spouse into a “married mind” can ease them into the idea of being married while alleviating your frustrations and disappointments. And though you may want to do so, fight the urge to give them everything they want; do not bow to every demand. If things are really bad, speak to a marriage counselor where a time of separation may be advised. A separation may shock the “single mind” into realization of the drudgery of being single. (Please seek the advice of a marriage counselor and/or pastor prior to doing any major moves such as a separation. They will be able to provide you, both, the parameters for the separation and the timeline for an eventual reconciliation.)
Marriage is for people who are married in their mind. They don’t pursue a fantasy of happily ever after knowing that there will be challenges. They gain joy by working on their marriage happily, daily after.
Are you married to someone who has a single mind? How were you able to cope with it and what did you guys have to do in order to get him/her on board? Let us know below. Thanks.
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I think expectations are key in marriage, or any committed relationship for that matter. If two individuals are not on the same page about their goals and dreams, then it will only stir up resentment, disagreements, and unfortunately more troubles down the line. Unfortunately these two types of (different minded) people can love each other, but are not compatible… and you can’t blame someone for being themselves.
I’ve been in and witnessed this problem in the past and it especially tough for both people involved. Married minded people try to look for or solve the issue, but it’s not something they can undertake, the change has to come from within the single minded person.
Thank you for the engagement and the feedback. For a moment there (because of your opening statement) I thought you were commenting on my “Expectations” entry. I guess that’s what happens when I don’t read the topic heading on my email. 🙂
I do agree with you whole-heartedly that “change has to come from within”. One of the more frustrating things in any relationship is to think that you can change someone by yourself. Change is a personal decision; an option that people have to be inclined to do first on the inside.
Yes, a lot of times a person will try to “change” their partner, then get upset about it when it doesn’t work – or the other person gets offended. Key point to remember is that people cant be changed, but behavior can.